My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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