Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
