blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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