So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
