i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
