it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
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