you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
PS: I just woke up from my shower
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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