she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Randomize
