spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
