he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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