she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
