a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
