did you get engaged???
where does the pee come out of this thing
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
