Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
