u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
