my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
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