I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
