she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
