Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I accidentally burped into my bong.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
