even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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