you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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