i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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