I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I understand Curling. That high.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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