god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
