Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
