Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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