i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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