she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
