I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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