Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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