before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
i think my cat just said my name.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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