I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Randomize
