Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
