Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
