I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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