Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
