Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
