you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
