don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
