We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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