no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Randomize
