Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
