Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Randomize
