She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
This is my life. Enjoy the view
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
