My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
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