If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Randomize
