From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
