some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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