Only a mothe r could love this liver
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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