I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
