can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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