Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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