i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
