i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I understand Curling. That high.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
