his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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