I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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