don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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