My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
