We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
